Done in a Flash
by SoldierG65434-2
Summary: As it turns out, there is something Yoruichi isn't good at.


**DISCLAIMER:** The rights to all copyrighted material mention henceforth in this document are owned by their respective owners.

This is rated M for language. Sorry if I got your hopes up.

I'm almost certain no one has gone here before.

* * *

"And it just blew the fuck up?" Kukaku slammed her cup down of the table after finishing its contents in one gulp.

"I didn't have any hair on my face for two months." Urahara sipped delicately at his own sake.

"I've been there." Kukaku sympathized.

"But you make fireworks, they're supposed to explode." Urahara offered his cup for a refill.

"Eh, it comes with the territory." Kukaku refilled both of their cups. "So, what the deal? I though you said Yoruichi was coming with you."

"She came ahead of me for some 'quality time' with Soifon." Urahara snickered.

"Figures," Kukaku sighed. She hadn't seen Yoruichi since the incident with Rukia Kuchiki. "How much longer do you think they can keep this 'fuck buddy' thing going before one of the breaks down and uses the 'L' word."

"Lesbian?" Urahara asked.

"No you idiot, that's what they are." Kukaku growled.

"Lubricant?" Urahara guessed again.

"That's what they use…I think." Kukaku pondered whether such a substance would be necessary.

"Lhasa apso? Urahara guessed yet again.

"What the hell is that?" Kukaku demanded.

"You ever see a Pekingese…?" Urahara started.

"Love, you jackass, I meant love." Kukaku slammed down another drink.

"My my," Urahara chided. "I didn't think a jaded cynic like you believed in love."

"Let's just say I think some people have a better shot at in than others." Kukaku mumbled.

"Well, I can't speak for Soifon, but I have seen signs that Yoruichi is starting to crack." Urahara sipped his sake.

"Like?" Kukaku leaned forward, eager to hear.

"I caught her staring wistfully at a beehive once." Kukaku's face contorted in confusion. "Soifon's name means 'broken bee,' or 'break bee,' or something or other." Urahara finished his cup. "The word 'bee' is in there, that much I'm certain. I though you knew that."

"Do I look Chinese?" Kukaku barked.

"It's pretty common knowledge." Urahara shrugged. The both stopped talking at the sound of the front door of Kukaku's garish house being opened. The listened as slow, heavy footsteps made their way closer to the room they were in. The door slid to the side to reveal Yoruichi Shihoin. However, it was not the normal, proud Yoruichi that they both usually saw. Her posture was slumped, her head bowed slightly. Her hair was slightly ruffled. Her face had a blank expression.

"Well speak of the devil." Urahara greeted his old friend.

"About time you showed up." Kukaku's word belayed her happiness.

"Hey," Yoruichi greeted them emotionlessly. She made her way over to the table they were seated at, her steps forced. She sat down heavily, lacking her usual grace.

"What's the matter with you?" Kukaku asked the obvious question.

"It's nothing." Yoruichi took the cup that was offered to her.

"Come on, you can tell us anything." Urahara nudged her.

"Just, don't worry about it." Yoruichi replied defensively.

"I'm hurt." Urahara said melodramatically. "I've known you for hundreds of years and there was never a secret between us."

"Relax," Kukaku gulped another cup. "If she wants to get her panties in a bunch and not tells us why, that's her business." Yoruichi growled.

"I don't satisfy Soi, OK!" Yoruichi collapsed onto the table, her head hitting the wood with a low thud.

"What, you get bad hand cramps or your jaw locks up or something?" Kukaku asked, unable to comprehend her friend's current predicament.

"Nine times out of ten," Yoruichi propped her head up on one hand. "No, more like ninety-nine times out of a hundred…"

"That's the same thing." Urahara clarified.

"Shut up!" Yoruichi shouted. "Anyway, pretty much all the time Soi is on top, but every-"

"Whoa, whoa!" Kukaku cut her off. "On top? How does that work?"

"I believe she is referring to the practice of tribadism." To both of their surprises, it was Urahara that spoke. Kukaku shot him a confused look. "It's the sexual act where a woman rubs her vulva and clitoris against her partner's body, in this case her partners vulva and clitoris, I'm assuming, for sexual stimulation. Depending upon their flexibility and creativity, they can position themselves in a manner that mimics heterosexual intercourse. Hence, Soifon is on top."

"I guess that makes sense." Kukaku thought about it for a moment. "You sure seem to know a lot about lesbian sex."

"Yeah, you do." Yoruichi perked up.

"We're talking about Yoruichi, not me. Let's try to stay focused." Urahara hid his face behind his fan. "You were saying something about Soifon always being on top?"

"Right," Yoruichi picked up, unsure why she was telling them this information. There was only one logical conclusion. "Soi is on top pretty much all the time. She likes to be in control and she's good at it so I can't complain." Yoruichi shrugged. She really didn't mind. "But every now and then, I like to give her a little extra attention. You know, let her sit back and enjoy the ride."

"Soi's a church mouse in bed." Yoruichi continued. "It's nearly impossible to get a peep out of her. I'm not. I scream and thrash and generally act like I'm enjoying what's happening. Apparently, since Soi is so quiet and I get so caught up in everything, I never noticed." Yoruichi sighed. "When she's in charge, I get mine, she get's hers, and we're both happy. Turns out, when I'm in charge, I'm the only one having fun."

"So what, she was faking it?" Kukaku asked.

"No, there was nothing to fake." Yoruichi slumped even more. "I'm so focused on me that I never noticed, not that there was much to miss." Yoruichi sat up. "And as I was just informed, not only am I not that good on top, but I'm also a bit of an early finisher."

There was silence.

Then, just as Yoruichi had expected, Urahara and Kukaku both burst into hysterical laughter.

"I know you're the Goddess of Flash," Urahara said between fits, "but there are some things you want to take your time with."

"You spend so much time as a cat I would have though you would know how to handle pussy by now." Kukaku snickered.

"Are you two done?" Yoruichi asked irritably.

"Yeah, I'm out of clever puns." Urahara's breath calmed.

"How are you only finding out about this now?" Kukaku asked, still smiling at her friends suffering.

"Afterwards, while I was lying there with a stupid smile on my face, she sighed all disappointedly." Yoruichi pounded down a cup of sake. "I asked her what's wrong and she informed me. She never said anything before because I seemed so proud of myself and never seemed to notice."

"Why did you just finish up where you left off?" Urahara asked.

"We don't have much time together." Yoruichi answered. "She had to get back to work." Yoruichi knocked back another cup. "But I'm going to make it up to her tonight. And by make it up, I mean do absolutely nothing and let her handle everything."

"So I should be expecting your late return tonight?"

"Yeah, leave the Senkaimon activated." Yoruichi replied. "I just hope there aren't any repercussions. Soi gets _pretty _cranky when's she's horny."

* * *

Omeada panted heavily as he skidded to a halt in front of his very small, and today, very angry Captain. Soifon had set up a very long and elaborate obstacle course for him to run over and over again until his time matched hers or he passed out. Given her unbelievable speed, Omeada knew which was on was going to happen.

"You gained another second, you fat oaf." Soifon hissed as she stopped her stopwatch.

"T…taicho," Omeada huffed. "I can't go on anymore." He had run the course twelve times already. He didn't know why she was doing this to him. They had been having an ordinary day. Then, all of the sudden, she's in the worst mood she has ever been for a very long time.

Soifon grabbed Omeada by his collar and dragged him to his feet. She turned him around so he was facing the start of the course. Omeada began to collect his breath for another run, when something pricked him in his back. He yelped and jumped instinctively.

"What the hell was..?" Omeada stopped when he turned around to see Suzumebachi resisting on Soifon's middle finger.

"I've decided to change things up a bit." Soifon smiled devilishly. "I'm going to be following you this time." Omeada craned his neck to get a look at his back. Sure enough, a large homonka had formed there.

Omeada stood there trembling. Soifon started her stopwatch again. "Time is ticking away." She tapped her foot. Omeada was still too petrified to lift a limb. "MOVE!" Soifon barked and lunged at him. This was enough to send the large man flying though the course at speeds he was unaware he could reach, all the while screaming at the top of his lungs while Soifon chased after him.

Soifon, despite her expression of pure schadenfreude, was completely disinterested in what was going on. She was just passing time. Her eyes constantly flicked to the sun. It just wasn't setting fast enough.


End file.
